Aug. 14, 2015 – JUST A BEGINNING
“I’ve always wanted to be one of those people that didn’t care much about what people thought of them, but I just don’t think I am.”
– Harry Styles
I know in myself I have always considered starting a blog.
I have discovered I have a certain liking on expressing myself in writing literary works ever since I won 1st place on an Essay Writing Contest and 2nd place on a Poem Writing Contest back when I was in Grade 4. In high school, I could remember having a few finished short fictional stories and lots of forgotten and unfinished ones (some of which are on Wattpad) with the help and encouragement of an old friend who have had a compilation of tons of short stories (which I’ve learned that could also contain more than 12 pages – not really short then, lol) all throughout his high school life. I have realized that the Lord has blessed me with a skill that eventually became a passion in songwriting since that May 2009 wherein our former church held a Songwriting contest and the song I cried to the Lord for it to be completed – entitled Unworthy – won 3rd place. Growing up, I have always been the kind of teen who loved having an exchange of sweet notes and lengthy letters on certain events with my childhood friends. And ridiculously, I have gotten used to sending unfortunately extremely lengthy group messages via SMS about random stuff that happened to me in a day back in High School till College. Knowing all these, I have come to an understanding that this brain of mine will always have something to say about lots of things which I often let out through written works. But no, I didn’t mention those awards and happenstances in this probably-crappy-first-ever-blog-post just to brag about my fun yet quite ridiculous childhood and student life. Actually, I only remembered them as I wrote this, because I was eagerly trying to remember those times wherein I’ve come to explore the wide world of writing and soon realize that I belong here. These events and experiences in my life only made me rekindle a tagline I may have used as bios in some old social media profiles – “Music is my passion; writing is the second.”
But what held me back from starting a blog if I knew I could and I want to write about all ideas I have in my head? I knew there were lots of factors…
- Time – I had been occupied with all the other stuff in life. If I had been writing, they were mostly school works (which I’m glad I’m not supposed to work on anymore because I’ve already graduated), poems, songs, and fictional stories, but not really a blog-ish kind of written work that includes all the possible contents of a well-written blog.
- Lack of thought-organization – I have a different mindset when it comes to writing in other genres (songs, poems, etc.) and when I write stuff like that, I’m always specific, coherent, and such; but in essay paragraph-ish, narrative/descriptive works like this, I realized my mind could get lost on so many things I would like to write about. There were so many ideas in my head, but I just couldn’t find myself at ease that they could be jotted down in an organized way. Plus, once I write something, especially a narrative one, I always, always, always proofread (but the final product would still have some errors, lol) so sometimes I end up not really finishing the written work.
- And lastly, the main point of this entry: The thought that “I write to please, not write as I please“…
I guess I have always thought that writing always requires an audience and a written work always requires a number of readers. Such a shame that I was mistaken. Why do we always have the idea that we have to please people with our works when in fact, we could accomplish something and feel pleased about it regardless of what others would think? Probably like everybody else, I had been a victim of trying to please everyone and avoiding getting judgments despite the fact that we will always get them no matter what.
I place my whole heart on my songs, but songwriting is different than blogging. I usually put implied messages with much emotions on my songs (Guess the term Ardent really suits me); but it’s still different if I would write about their backstories so openly, which I could do on blogs, because I know people will probably question why I wrote about this and that, him or her, them or us. I knew it’s a natural thing for that to happen, but the problem is I cared too much. I cared too much that I allowed myself to be less true to what I really wanted to voice out.
Writing a blog about yourself would of course need honesty and that’s what I’ve always wanted to portray, but because of the idea that I didn’t want others to think of me in a way I wouldn’t want them to, because I didn’t want to be laughed at, looked down upon, and shamed (especially when I express about my aspirations in life), I concealed some of my thoughts or wrote or post online only about those things that are needed to be said. It’s like having things filtered because you know the other deep stuff you’d love to write about wouldn’t be noticed, appreciated, or understood; sadly, instead, they would be misinterpreted, questioned, and countered, regardless if you are being true to yourself or are stating a good and correct point.
I feel like I have allowed a part or me to be unauthentic to myself. I have always thought of others and what they would think. And I honestly hate the feeling. Somehow, it’s like I have placed a barrier for myself and now is the time to break it because I’ve been so suffocated with the idea that what others think matter more than what I or my Creator thinks of me. I have been writing songs for years now but I guess it’s time to not only write implied messages, but also direct and honest ones which I could now do in blogging. I think, through this, I would be able to squeeze out more thoughts in my head and put them to lengthy paragraphs without caring about the supposed length of a chorus, a middle 8, and the like.
This blogging project is my way of starting anew as an expressive writer. It’s time to go back to my old passion that has been knocking a few times on the door of my heart lately. This is my way of becoming more open as I get to know myself and continually seek what God wants me to be. And whoever gets to visit this site will be with me on this journey that isn’t really plain sailing. Along the way, it is my prayer that I won’t feel the fear taunting me anymore, that I won’t be bugged by the insecurities kicking in, that I won’t think of what others would think about who I am and what I do and what I write about, because these things have gotten me imprisoned for so long.
After everything that I’ve encountered, felt, thought, in the past years, especially in the past months that people didn’t know had been really rough for me, one thing’s for sure: I’ve learned a lot and I would love to write and be open about them soon. It’s a way of breaking free and letting go, no matter how cliché that sounds. 🙂
I do hope I’ll succeed in letting my heart out through writing again, and that along the way, these sets of words would become blessings and inspirations to anyone who would be able to read my blogs. I am planning to post every 2nd and 4th (last) Friday of the month, regardless if people would read or not, lol. My goal is to find myself satisfied with how genuine I would be in my future writings, even if I’m the only one reading it in this not so fancy yet nice page I made. I’m still not yet sure on what content the next posts would have, but they will surely not be all about me because I’m also thinking of featuring some people, things, songs, and other stuff that I would like others to know about (Aha! Fangirling and advertising at its finest! Haha).
But before I end, I just want to say that I got inspired by the blogs of Kirstin Maldonado of Pentatonix and Maine Mendoza (also known as Eat Bulaga’s Yaya Dub). 😉 I had been reading their blogs for a while now and I can relate to most of their posts that I weirdly feel like they were writing in behalf of me. The only difference is that they are so bold and completely honest and I’m wishing I could do the same starting now.
If you will join me on this blogging journey, I would love to have interactions with you so don’t be shy in sharing your own ideas through posting on the comment box below or tweeting me your thoughts/questions about my posts with the hashtag #JAASblog on @AriannJS. 😀 To be honest, I don’t know if this post would make sense to anybody else but if it did, I would like to thank you for taking the time in reading this lengthy first post in Just An Ardent Songsmith! Till next time! God bless you! 🙂